Tourniquet
by Nina Vale
Summary: my god my tourniquet return to me salvation...DantexZhalia my addiction warring: depression,suicidal thoughts and all that...ends well thought...
1. Salvation

yep, this is another translation from my blog. I written this one long ago, after I watched AMV to the song…sometimes strange things come to my head…

Disclimer: I don't own a thing accept the idea

* * *

_my God my tourniquet_  
_ return to me salvation_  
_ my God my tourniquet_  
_ return to me salvation_

_ my wounds cry for the grave_  
_ my soul cries for deliverance_  
_ will I be denied Christ_  
_ tourniquet_  
_ my suicide_

Evanescence-Tourniquet_  
_

* * *

'_you had nearly killed them'_ thought Zhalia '_the only ones who were good to you. You're alone again. But this time it's your fault.'_

Such thought were pestering her all the time since that mission in Romania and leaving her team. She had nightmares about her lonely childhood, running away from thugs, fright and humiliation, about her life in Organization, about betraying her friends. She couldn't sleep because of those nightmares but when she wasn't sleeping, memories came to torment her. Especially in the night. This little voice in her head kept on reminding her about her loneliness caused by betraying the only people that could give her what she lacked of. That's she's not worth their forgiveness.

'_you're simply not worth_ _it_' said the voice in her head '_neither their kindness…especially Dante's. He trusted you! Most of all! You love him and what have you done? You nearly killed him! How can you expect to have friends and never be alone? You can only blame yourself_'

She was tossing and turning in her bed, with every next thought.

'_you're alone again'_ continued the voice '_just like you were as a child. Only that now you're also a traitor. You betrayed your only friends who cared for you! And they had forgiven you…they are TOO good for you. You don't deserve to have them'_

She fixed her eyes on the ceiling. She couldn't get why had they forgiven her…how could Dante forgive her. She saw that look in his eyes and heard this tone in his voice when he said her name. She won't be able to forget that. Never.

'_after what I have done'_ she thought '_they should have killed me. It would have been right thing to do. Only then I would have paid for what I have done to them in proper way. There is way too much understanding and indulgence in foundation. Too much forgiveness. It's a mistake'_

She shook her head. She couldn't get it. At all.

Dark haired woman sat up on her bead. She made her mind up. Every opposing thought had been dismissed by her, for every doubt she found an argument. She went to the phone. She wanted to call Dante, and left him a message on his answering machine, tell him how she feels about him and what she wants him to do with her titans. A goodbye letter. She dialed the number. To her joy she found herself talking to his answering machine.

"Hey" she said "Dante, Zhalia here. I call you just to say goodbye and tell you few things. I know you had forgiven me and that you have no grudge against me, but I can't forgive myself. You all were so good to me, especially you. You had trusted me and forgave me and showed me so much understanding. I repaid you with betrayal…I can't forgive myself that I betrayed the man I love. I have decided to pay for that like a traitor and double agent should pay. It's the only way. Take my titans to Foundation's magazine. One day someone will bond with them. As to you and Sophie my mind is quite at rest. The replacement will be found fast and it would be someone much more trustworthy and better than me. You will fall for that person and you will be happy. I wish you that from my heart. But I think that these goodbyes are far too long now. Thanks for your kindness, understanding and trust. I wish you to find great love that will be worth your heart. I love you and I will no matter where I will end up after my death. Farewell"

She switched the phone off with tears in her eyes

'_why are you crying you fool?_' she scolded herself '_it will be better that way. It's the fate of traitors'_

She wiped the tears away and made it to her cupboard with titans. She put them all on the table. Then she went to the kitchen, a small voice that appeared in her head whispered that she shouldn't do it because she won't be able to cancel it, that there will be no coming back. She pushed it away. She didn't disserve future love and good life. She started to ransack her drawers in search of a knife. She took one of them and went up to the bedroom and sat on the bed. For a moment she wondered how long it will be before someone finds her and Dante gets her message. The tiny voice hoped that he will do it soon and save her, but she silenced it. The part of her that hated itself was much stronger. Brown-eyed seeker touched her wrist with the knife…

"no!" in the same moment someone grabbed her hand and easily took the knife away, tossing in somewhere. She looked up at her savior, she recognized him despite the shock. Amber eyes, russet-brown hair…Dante. She was way too confused to wonder what he was doing in her flat and why he was there. Everything happened so fast and for last few days she had been in strong emotional turmoil, all this together with lack of sleep and food was a bit too much for her to handle and she felt the darkness overtake her. The last thing she heard before she fell into it, was Dante's voice calling her name.

* * *

Zhalia blinked few times. Everything was blurred, but familiar. She had been here before. Suddenly it all came back. Her flat, the knife…Dante. She sprung up and sat on the bed. She found herself in Dante's house in Venice and Dante was sitting by her bedside.

"You woke up" he noticed with relief in his voice "you had been unconscious for three days"

He sighed and for a moment there was heavy silence.

"you gave me a fright there you know" he said after a while "for a moment…what ever came over you?"

She looked down, fixing her eyes on the blanket. She didn't know what to say. Russet haired man sighed, once more

"Zhalia, look at me please" he delicately lifted her chin, to make her look him in the eyes "listen taking your own life away was the most foolish idea you could have had to repay for your doings. It would cause us…it would cause me much more sorrow and grief, than your betrayal itself. Do you really think that after your death I would just shrug my arms and carry on with everyday life just like that? Do you truly think I could be so cold heartless?

It was visible that such possibility hurt him much. Zhalia bit her lower lip, trying to avoid his gaze.

"no" she said "on the contrary I think you're very good, gentle, warm and understanding. You're truly the type of man everyone wants to be friends with and every woman or girl wants to be with. And I repaid you for all this with betrayal. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who will bring you happiness and joy. Just look at me. Who am I? I grew up on the street, I stole, cheated and then worked for the organization. I had worked as double agent and betrayed all of your trust. I don't deserve you. There are many girls and women in Foundation, who will bring you happiness and kindness instead of hurt. Scarlett for example…it's so easy to imagine your life together…so beautiful and full of love and happiness. Something I know I would never deserve to have even thought I want it so badly."

When she was talking about Scarlett and her future life with Dante, tears started to fall down her cheeks. She wanted it all so badly and it hurt her to think that someone else will have it. She wanted such life with Dante ever since she met him but sadly she knew that her betrayal made it impossible. All this time Dante was watching her. Finally he put his arms on her shoulders

"Zhalia" he looked her straight in the eyes "you're the only woman in this world I would like to spend my life with. I can't live without you, not even mentioning starting relationship with another woman no matter how crystal clear her past might be. I love you with all my heart no matter who you were and what have you done"

He pulled her into embrace, holding her tightly.

"I could never feel so happy with anyone else than I do with you" he whispered as he kissed her hair "you'll never be alone again. I promise"

Zhalia buried her face into his chest and she wrapped her arms around him as they continued to rock back and forth…

The end

* * *

I do not know if that makes sense….but it's late and I'm too tried to know what I'm writing…


	2. Saving you

Ok. I add second chapter since I have to explain how Dante was capable to reach Zhalia so soon. so here it is.

* * *

Dante's POV

**Metz's country residence  
**"Dante?" Metz's voice woke me up from my thoughts

"yes?" I imminently turned my attention to him

"is everything alright?" he asked with concern in his voice "you seem a little preoccupied"

"it's alright" I said giving him a small smile, hoping it's convincing. It wasn't. It might have fooled Lok and Sophie but Metz knew me far too well.

"come on Dante" he said "spill it out. What's eating you up?"

"really I can't burden you so much" I said "you're ill"

He rolled his eyes and sighed

"I can hear you out and have a conversation" he said "I'm healthy enough for that"

I hesitated I didn't want to tire him out but on the other hand I truly needed advice. From someone older and more experienced. I sighed

"is this about Zhalia?" he asked. I looked up "you miss her right?"

I nodded  
"and you care for her?" it wasn't a question, rather a statement but I nodded my head again

"yes" I answered "a lot…"

"then tell her" he said "and talk to her"

"but how?" I asked "she left the team"

"then go and see her" was the answer "you know where she lives right?"

"yeah but it was her decision to leave" I sighed "I don't want to push her or force her into anything"

"but you still can talk to her" Metz shook his head "and tell her everything. She's probably a bit confused right now. You two need to talk things over and see what will happen. She doesn't have to come back if she does not feel like it yet, or she might come back when she learns how you feel. Maybe she doesn't really know how you feel about her. Go and tell her. Such things can not be left unsaid"

I mused about it for a while. Actually Metz was right. Zhalia didn't have to make her decision straight away and I was ready to wait for her and it would be great relief to be finally able to tell her how I felt and to know her own feelings whatever they might be.

"ok" I said smiling this time more genuine smile "I'll go. Thanks Metz"

"it's nothing" he also smiled "I'm your mentor and friend after all and you can always ask for my advise"

I thanked him once again and I left his house.

**Next day **

I packed up and went to Rotterdam. I have tried to contact Zhalia but in vain. It made me worried a bit, was it the Organization? That made me want to go and see her even sooner. I wanted to make sure she's ok. I got to my destination quicker than I suspected. I went out to the taxi rank. I got into the car and I gave the driver the address. I decided to call Zhalia once again and tell her that I'm coming. It was then when I saw that I have unheard message. It was from Zhalia. Wondering what it could be about I played it

"_Hey Dante, Zhalia here. I call you just to say goodbye and tell you few things. I know you had forgiven me and that you have no grudge against me, but I can't forgive myself. You all were so good to me, especially you. You had trusted me and forgave me and showed me so much understanding. I repaid you with betrayal…I can't forgive myself that I betrayed the man I love. I have decided to pay for that like a traitor and double agent should pay. It's the only way. Take my titans to Foundation's magazine. One day someone will bond with them. As to you and Sophie my mind is quite at rest. The replacement will be found fast and it would be someone much more trustworthy and better than me. You will fall for that person and you will be happy. I wish you that from my heart. But I think that these goodbyes are far too long now. Thanks for your kindness, understanding and trust. I wish you to find great love that will be worth your heart. I love you and I will no matter where I will end up after my death. __Farewell_"

As I listened to that message my face paled. First I was too shocked to understand it, but as I listened to it once again it became quite clear to me what she wanted to do. I knew only one thing at that moment. I had to get to her as quick as possible.

"driver" I said "hurry please. I truly have to get there fast. It's an emergency"

"alright" he said looking at me curiously, but he had done it. He probably noticed my expression.

'please god' I begged 'don't let me be too late. Please'

I really hoped that something will disturb her or delay her. Like widow will not open, or she won't be able to find the pills or the knife or whatever she wanted to kill herself with. I couldn't believe that she actually wanted to do such foolish thing in the first place and how she could even think such things…like that I will just go on living without her like nothing ever happened. I probably wouldn't endure another twenty four hours not even mentioning years. And even if I would I'd never be able to forget her and get over her. Ever. And I couldn't also believe that she loved me. In normal circumstances I would be over the moon, but now only thing that mattered was to get to her fast.

"we're here sir" said the driver. I thanked him. Left him some money in notes not even waiting for the change. I just raced into the building and upstairs. Even with niblefire I would be able to run that fast. I reached the door to Zhalia's flat. Finally. The doors were locked but I hadn't expected it to be otherwise. I looked around. There was no one in sight….

"dragon fist" it took care of the door and I ran in. I looked around franticly looking for Zhalia. I saw her upstairs sitting on her bed. She was holding the knife in her hand..

"no!" I ran up to her and snatched the knife out of her hand and tossed it towards the other end of the room. She looked at the knife and then at me. Her eyes grew rather dim, and she started to slip away

"Zhalia!" I managed to catch her before she fell down from the bed "Zhalia!"

She was really pale, my first though was that she had taken something so I checked her pulse it was normal. I looked around wondering what to do now. We couldn't stay here, neither I wanted to call the police and ambulance. I would have to make an excuse for being here and I didn't want to tell them the reason why she tried to kill herself. They would put her in some mental hospital and force to some treatment and I didn't want that. Finally I decided to take her to Venice to my house. I would call a doctor from Foundation hospital there. It was the best option. I called for foundation plane telling them that it's an emergency, because I have a seeker in bad shape. Guggenheim was quite understanding and he sent the plane for us. I picked Zhalia up and carried her to the place where the plane was supposed to land. It was very near the place she lived so we got there in no time. I put her in one of the seats covering her with my coat. It wasn't too long, and she was safely in bed, in my house. I called the doctor and to my relief it was just lack of sleep and food, when he left I sat down by her side, and took her hand into mine.

"you're with friends now" I whispered "and I promise that everything is going to be alright now"

The end

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horrible part but I wanted to explain how Dante got to Rotterdam and saved Zhalia :). Now bye. I'm off. I'm working on another DxZ story…(ah this little addiction of mine)


End file.
